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VICTORY OVER MATRIAL TROUBLES My name is Margaret Bankole, I am married to Tawa Bankole and we currently have three children. I was born in the United Kingdom of Nigerian parentage with four brothers. My schooling, lifestyle and upbringing were very much akin to that of the country in which we were domiciled. From the age of eight years, I knew that I wanted to be a Barrister when I grew up. Most of my friends were West Indians and so growing up, people thought I was from the West Indies or in later years whenever they spoke to me on the telephone they thought I was white. I had tunnel vision; I faced my studies and qualified as a Barrister at the age of twenty-three years. My Dad had died the year before and so for his great encouragement and support, he often quoted, "My Daughter will be a Lawyer", and he did not actually witness the event. However, I believe God would have given him that quiet reassurance that I would make it. I had pre-conceived ideas about Nigerian men and I resolved in my early teens that I did not like them and that I was not going to marry one. I also had the same pre-conceived view about West Indian men, to a lesser extent. God has a funny sense of humour. I met my husband when I was eighteen years of age at Law School. (He is a Nigerian by the way.) He was born in Nigeria, schooled there for most of his life, and his lifestyle and upbringing was that of the Nigerian culture. He came to the United Kingdom when he was eighteen years of age. We got married when I was twenty-three years old and he, twenty-eight years old. Twelve years and three children later, and expecting our fourth child soon, it is only by the grace of God, that we are still together. I have given this background to set the scene for: What Makes A Good Home And Keeping The Family Together: After twelve years of marriage - for me and to a large extent my husband, it is like getting married all over again. I finally understood what marriage is about. Marriage is about: - Love - God is love. If we say that we love God who we do not see but do not love our the one who we do see, then we lie. Love is patient, kind, long-suffering, covers a multitude of sins. Husbands love your wives as your self, moreover the bible asks…whosoever hateth his own flesh. Ephesians 5:28-29. Honesty - Be truthful to one another. Trusting one another and resolving to put the past firmly behind you. Commitment - "Love till death do us part" (not till things go wrong). Remember your marriage vows. Loyalty - "Forsaking all others, for richer or poorer". Remember your marriage vows. Companionship - "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh". (Genesis 2:24.) Putting God First - This is the key: God will help you put each other first when you put him first. "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." It was like getting married all over again. At the end of the year we are going to America by God's grace. It will be like the Honeymoon we should have had when we first God married. God is a good God because our marriage today, is built on the solid rock of Jesus Christ. We refuse to allow anything or anyone tear it down. After two three years of marriage, we began to encounter so many difficulties in our marriage. The following hampered us: - Young and inexperienced: I did not really know what marriage was all about; I thought love was all I needed. Selfishness - "Wanting to have your own things and your own way all the time". Different family and social upbringing This caused us to clash seriously. In-laws - Both home and abroad. Career aspirations and employment difficulties. Communication - We should have created more time for each other. These are to name but a few. We argued seven days a week. We were both thinking unbeknown to each other; this is not what marriage is supposed to be like and our love for each other turned to hate. We did not know the Lord at this time and were quick to take the easy option. We went our separate ways for eighteen months - and now, I admit it was the most miserable eighteen months of our lives: the hurt, the pain, and the emotional trauma, the bitterness, anger and so on. We lost our matrimonial home and towards the end of all this, our second son was born. We came to know the Lord separately, around about the same time, and slowly began to open the communication channels, and decided that this time around we would build our marriage on the solid rock of Jesus Christ. We went to Marriage Classes to understand the Biblical basis for Marriage, - "leaving", "cleaving", and "one flesh." The Pastor, whose wife was conducting the marriage classes, saw my wedding ring and said, "It was like doing the revision after the exam" as the classes were intended for couples that were about to marry. Tawa and I were never-the-less unperturbed, we had a mission and wanted our marriage to work. When God had healed us completely, he gave us a Marriage Ministry, Married Couples Fellowship, where we share our living testimony of what God has done for us. We meet every Saturday at the Ridley Christian Centre in London, England. There we share various topics from the Bible and on a regular basis, we take married couples and singles away for weekends. We have tasted single parenting, and for us it was not our cup of tea. It was hard work, painful and a very bitter experience. I do know that there are some single mums and dads who for one reason or another have no alternative but to get on with it and endure this, and are successfully bringing up their children to be well rounded men and women. Equally, there are some that are not, because they are constantly working and do not have time for their children or, indeed for themselves. Marriage was what God intended for us and is God's ideal. Yet you might say, "For what reason?" Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth… Marriage is a covenant with God, and not a contract. Jack Straw, the British home secretary in the consultation paper: "Supporting Families", details some proposals which indicate a return (albeit limited) to the biblical ideal of marriage and the family unit and reaffirming marriage as the best unit in which to raise children. However, the idea of pre-nuptial agreements on the distribution of money and property becoming legally binding in the event of a marriage break-up is contrary to the will of God. God hates divorce and marital separation. God has made our love for each other deeper and stronger than it was in the beginning. God had the answers. He has shown me that in order to have a good home and keep my marriage and family together, we must do the following: - We must put God firs, we must love one another, wives must respect the roles of their husbands as the head of the home, they are to submit to their husband's leadership otherwise there will be a two-headed monster in the home (i.e. both the husband and the wife trying to head the home). Husbands in return must love their wives as Christ loved the Church, i.e. He must care, provide and protect her. Both are not to be selfish, over ambitious, or have ulterior motives when dealing with each other, but to seek the good of the family and the home. Husbands are to in return lead his wife and children in love. Honesty, trust, commitment and loyalty must be the order of the day. Remember marriage is for life. It should be "heaven on earth, not hell on earth". I would say that the main thing that makes a good home and keeps a family together, is to have as your motto, your focus, your game plan, your key for life: "As for me and my house, we shall serve the LORD" Margaret Bankole.
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